32 Basic Rules for Driving in Dallas (Need Not Live in Dallas to Enjoy!) (Editted By: Lil' Viv) 1) A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels. 2) Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them. 3) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 5) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. Remember, no-fault insurance: He might not have much to lose, but you do. 6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. 7) Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up. 8) The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make Dallas look progressive. 9) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. 10) Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Texas look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable. 11) Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the LBJ driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 12) Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on Central Expressway. 13) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged; the proceeds of which are vested directly into the Democratic front-runner's campaign for mayor. 14) Learn to swerve abruptly. Dallas is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to TXDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test driver's reflexes and keep them on their toes. 15) The green light in the left turn only lane is a trick to see if you are stupid enough to believe that the oncoming driver has a red light. They don't and it makes you a sitting duck. 16) It is traditional in Dallas to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions. 17) Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way. 18) Never, never take Central. The term "Expressway" is just a cruel joke. 19) Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation. 20) All unmarked exits lead to Southeast Dallas. 21) If you forget to turn your signal off after changing lanes, don't worry. At least YOU know where you are going. 22) If someone is legitimately trying to merge into your lane (for obvious traffic reasons and not after just using the emergency lane to pass fifteen cars), make sure to grant the vehicle no more than three to four feet to squeeze in and block all other traffic. If for some reason this other driver does not feel it is adequate for his six-foot vehicle, be sure to get pissed off and move up. 23) Oil changes, muffler maintenance, and other necessary maintenance is just a ploy by all auto workers to get your money. Be sure to spend your money on the really important parts of you car, like the hubcaps. Contrary to what those weasel auto workers tell you, blue exhaust smoke is actually good for the local plants and animals. 24) Low-rider cars are really a fad created by body shops so they will always be in business. It's working, isn't it? 25) California has earthquakes. We have traveling blasting sound systems. Keep up the good work. 26) Your ownership of a sports utility vehicle or a large new-model pickup truck grants you special privileges that regular driver's don't get. For instance, feel free to whip in and out of lanes in an attempt to get ahead of other vehicles, and it's not necessary to use your turn signal. After all, you're bigger than the other cars. You'll win. 27) It helps to relax other drivers when you follow no more than four feet behind them for an extended period of time and then speed up as you move into the next lane, nearly clipping their back bumpers. Then if you roar past them and swerve back into their lane, they will realize they were slowing you down and feel grateful that you took it upon yourself of fixing the problem. 28) Talking on your cell phone is perfectly OK under any driving conditions. 29) Squeezing your large vehicle into the "Compact Parking Only" spaces is a great game. You win as long as all parts of your car are inside the white lines. Side-view mirrors and the ability for you or any other car to enter/exit vehicles are not counted. 30) If you drive a souped-up sports car, you are allowed to park across the white line, taking up two parking spaces. After all, we sure wouldn't want your sparkly $5000 paint job to be scratched by thoughtless, careless drivers. 31) Stupidity is a legitimate excuse to park in the handicapped spaces. After all, mental deficiencies are handicaps, too. 32) Cell. phone drivers have a special license that says they can drive slow in the FAST lane and be totally oblivious to what is happening in traffic.